The Texas Chainsaw Candidate

Talarico quotes Jesus, and Paxton catches on fire when he enters a church.

This week on the Late-Stage-Capitalism Comedy Review, Texas Republicans looked at a man indicted for securities fraud, impeached by his own party, investigated by the FBI, publicly rebuked by his mistreated wife, tied to corruption scandals, whistleblower scandals, election denial scandals, and said: “Finally - someone with traditional values.”

Ken Paxton just won the Republican Senate nomination in Texas, because in modern American politics, indictments are basically Pokémon cards for MAGA officials.

He’s been under felony indictment since 2015, as his legal strategy appears to be avoiding accountability until the judge dies of old age.

He was impeached by his own Republican Party for corruption and abuse of power. Not Democrats; Republicans - in Texas. Do you know how corrupt you have to look for Texas Republicans to say, “Now hold on there, partner”?

Paxton beat incumbent groveler John Cornyn by 28 points, which in Texas qualifies as a public execution. Cornyn’s just a morally bankrupt neocon; so imagine the excitement of MAGA purebloods who got to cast a vote for a racist felon who might hate women more than their Supreme Leader.

Imagine a part so numb to scandal that character is now considered suspicious.

And as soon as Paxton beat Cornyn in the Republican runoff, the Texas GOP began its attacks on Democratic James Talarico.

Talarico is a former teacher, seminary student, and a kind man; devoted to the actual teachings of Christ; the kind of man Republicans used to pretend to be.

They’re attacking him for being vegan, which he’s not, and for being a Christ follower with insufficient hatred and cruelty for trans people.

Republicans are attacking James Talarico as a “creep,” “vegan,” and “Tala-freako” because apparently they couldn’t find any crimes, affairs, indictments, impeachments, whistleblower complaints, humiliated wives, preferential treatment for child rapists, or coup attempts to pin on him.

Paxton said: He’s a threat to our very way of life. I mean, he’s a vegan who thinks God is nonbinary.” As opposed to an impeached indicted bribe-taker who thinks God is a prop.

Republicans keep trying to paint Talarico as radical because they’ve forgotten what a normal human being sounds like.

James Talarico is like the youth pastor who politely explains to the elders why Jesus would hate every bill they just passed. He looks 16 years old but speaks with the exhausted disappointment of a 94-year-old Presbyterian librarian. I’m convinced he says “thank you” to Siri.

And he’s so good at being the calmest person in the room. It’s like he was grown in a lab to reassure suburban moms during turbulence.

Talarico’s energy is “Hey, friends; I brought a Bible, a history textbook, and emotional maturity.” Which makes him terrifying to today’s GOP.

Imagine being so clean politically that your opponents have to yell “HE MIGHT EAT KALE!”

Cretin v Choir Boy

Paxton vs Talarico feels less like an election and more like a documentary about two alternate timelines for Christianity in America.

One is an indicted impeached culture-war swamp goblin accused of corruption by his own staff. The other sounds like he’s Jimmy Stewart at Habitat for Humanity; and apologizes to folding chairs after bumping into them.

One candidate looks like he volunteers at a food bank. The other looks like he accidentally owns the food bank through an LLC, and just shut it down, and then called you “woke,” while laughing.

Republicans calling Talarico dangerous while nominating Ken Paxton is like warning people about the health risks of blueberries while smoking meth through a leaf blower.

And then there’s the story of Adam Hoffman, which deserves to be quite famous. He’s the 49 year old Waco TX attorney who was facing life without parole, because he’d spent three years raping a young boy who was a friend of his son.

A sane Attorney General would understandably want to be seen as putting this man away, bringing accountability to a predator and justice for the victim.

But Texas has Ken Paxton, who offered this child rapist 1 day in jail and no requirement to register as a sex offender. A judge increased the sentence to 60 days, and Hoffman just got out in 30 for “good behavior.”

Cornyn: A Cult Member Kicked Out for Insufficient Clapping

What’s amazing is that Republicans had a perfectly electable conservative incumbent in John Cornyn — a man who voted with Donald Trump almost all the time — and still decided he wasn’t servile enough. Cornyn spent ten years surrendering every ounce of dignity and manhood: voting with Trump, defending Trump, enabling Trump, refusing to convict Trump after January 6 - and Trump still dumped him like a casino shrimp cocktail; or like a wife.

MAGA voters looked at Cornyn and said, “Sure, he betrayed democracy for Trump; but did he betray it enthusiastically enough?”

Cornyn sold out his dignity, his independence, and probably several internal organs trying to appease Trumpism, only to get politically euthanized anyway. It’s the classic Faustian bargain: you sacrifice your soul and then discover the devil doesn’t even want it. Which is, I guess, more like Craigslist Faust.

CSI: Attorney General

And now Paxton, who was impeached by his own Republican colleagues in the Texas Legislature for corruption and abuse of power, is the GOP standard-bearer in one of the most high-profile Senate races in the country.

And of course, Paxton’s entire political identity is screaming about “lawlessness” of nonwhite people and Democrats, while personally spending a decade dodging criminal trials.

You think you know this type of sleazy southern Republican man; I assure you he’s worse. This is a man who talks about “family values” while apologizing publicly for adultery scandals tied to donor-connected favors. A man who calls himself a Christian conservative while embodying hate, mendacity, and every warning label in the New Testament.

If hypocrisy burned calories, Ken Paxton would vanish.

The Republican Party used to fear corruption allegations. Now they just ask whether the allegations poll well with white evangelicals.

The Fellowship of the Indicted

And please, do remember, Trump endorsed candidates are currently 0-13 in special elections in 2026. Zero wins in thirteen tries, per Ballotpedia.

In every special election, Trump’s endorsements haven’t even been“kiss of death” - it’s been more like “full necromancer tongue bath.”

Republicans now have to dump tens of millions into Texas just to defend a seat they should’ve won easily. Because these guys looked at Trump’s corruption, the rising prices, and a rapidly diversifying state full of suburban voters exhausted by chaos and thought: “You know who’ll really bring moderates back? The creepy guy investigated by the FBI whose Republican coworkers accused him of bribery.”

And remember - even if Paxton wins, the GOP will have spent millions to make this guy their new face in the Senate.

So now Democrats suddenly have a real opening, and it goes like this: “Maybe the guy under felony indictment who keeps appearing in impeachment hearings shouldn’t get promoted to the United States Senate.”

Of course, beating cops on the Capitol steps for a lie is not a dealbreaker for Republicans. But $5 a gallon of gas might be.

Congrats to Republicans.

Ground.News does a great job of combining all stories on a particular issue, left right and center. Turns out right wing news didn’t provide much coverage of the release of Adam Hoffman.

In a race they should’ve sleepwalked through, the GOP has managed to turn Texas into a brutally expensive national firewall election starring a charisma-free scandal magnet with all the warmth of a broken cigarette vending machine.

The Texas Senate race now boils down to this: a truly nice white guy who looks like he’d help you change a tire in the rain, and a guy who’d sell you a broken tire, sue the car, blame immigrants, and bill taxpayers for the tow truck.

Oh, and Democratic strategist types?

Remember:

1. Adam Hoffman raped a boy for 3 years; and is now free after 30 days thanks to Ken Paxton.

2. Donald Trump has broken the law every day since December 19 2025 to protect the child rapists in the Epstein Files.

3. “Together, they protect men who put their dicks inside children. #GOP2026.”

There’s your campaign ad, Dems. You’re welcome.