The Dude-Bro Pentagon

When the War Room Is Also the Makeup Room

We tend to dwell on the baffling stupidity of Donald Trump when discussing this war on Iran. And that’s important.

But if we’re being honest… we’re not dwelling enough on the stupidity of the guy technically running the war, former FOX News weekend host, Pete Hegseth.

This experiment began when fellow former TV personality Trump looked at the largest, most complex military operation on Earth and wondered:

“Who should run this? A four-star general? A national security expert? Someone who understands the Middle East?”

And then, from his cage in the corner of the Oval Office, Stephen Miller cried:

“Master! What about the guy who used to introduce the 8:15 segment every Sunday about Biden’s gas prices between commercials for MyPillow?”

“Excellent,” said Trump; who then released Miller, into the night, to feed.

The Emerging Consequences of Appointing Uninformed TV Personalities to Run Real Wars

But now the U.S. death toll is over 13, global shipping is collapsing in the Strait of Hormuz, and Trump lied about the 170 Iranian schoolgirls killed by a US tomahawk missle; which strongly indicates we won’t be greeted as liberators anytime soon.

So perhaps — just hear me out - hiring an alcoholic Fox News prompter-monkey sex-pest to run the Pentagon wasn’t the galaxy-brain move they thought it was.

Let’s just cover the last few days:

---

How to start a Middle East war without understanding the Middle East

According to reporting, the Pentagon and the National Security Council badly underestimated Iran’s willingness to close the Strait of Hormuz.

Which is like saying: “We’re shocked that during the shark attack, the shark ALSO decided to bite someone.”

The Strait of Hormuz is the most important oil chokepoint on Earth. Closing it is Iran’s entire leverage strategy; their national emergency plan; their doomsday button; their asymmetric warfare; their “in case of war break glass” scenario for 40 years.

But somehow the Trump national security team still reacted like this was a shocking new development. Who could have predicted the thing Iran’s been threatening to do since the Reagan administration?

Apparently the Pentagon’s planning model was just Pete Hegseth watching “Top Gun” and screaming ‘SEND IT!’ to generals who don’t get the reference.

---

The War on Unattractive Photos

Midweek, we learned the Pentagon had banned several press photographers from briefings.

Why, you ask, would they do this during wartime? Because some photos of Pete Hegseth were… “unflattering.”

The good people at Ground.News reported a bias comparison about this. Left-leaning media decried the image control and lack of transparency, stressing words like “bans,” and “unflattering.” Right-leaning media didn’t defend Hegseth, but attacked Hegseth’s critics for complaining. You can read the quite divergent coverage here.

But think about this. US troops are dying, regional war is escalating, and the Pentagon’s priority is apparently making sure SecDef doesn’t look puffy in this lighting.

This is the first war in US history where the Rules of Engagement are discarded, but the Instagram filter policy is strictly enforced.

We’re North Korea with better hair gel.

---

The War of Bro-gression

Just four days before that strike, Hegseth petulantly declared:

“Our warfighters have maximum authorities granted personally by the president and yours truly.”

You know what “Maximum authorities” means in era of Dudebro Pentagon? It means all adult supervision has been removed.

In previous wars, rules of engagement were designed to minimize civilian casualties, to better avoid one day having grandkids visit you in the Hague.

But Hegseth has built his entire political brand on hating those rules as much as he hates marriage vows. Or consent.

He calls them “stupid.” See, Pete’s real problem with modern warfare isn’t bombing the wrong target and killing kids, it’s the woke inconvenience of double-checking before you do it.

The question is, did Hegseth’s “maximum authority” rhetoric create a culture where planners were told:

“Don’t hesitate. Don’t slow down. Don’t overthink.”

Because when your Secretary of Defense has spent years on TV saying caution is weakness, some people might start behaving like caution is weakness.

And suddenly a missile hits a school full of children.

And then Trump says Iran did it to themselves, with a US made missile, on the first day of our attack.

Imagine how much Hegseth drank that night.

---

PRESS CONFERENCE THUNDERDOME

Then came this week’s press conference, where Hegseth declared:

“No quarter. No mercy.”

Which means no international law. I guess. That’s a US Secretary of Defense openly calling for war crimes. Be prepared to kill your prisoners, gentlemen.

Now I do acknowledge that it’s quite possible that Hegseth has no idea what those words mean. He conceivably could’ve overheard those terms any night of the week on the History Channel, after passing out on the floor in a puddle of his own sick. I’ll grant him that.

But apparently he still hasn’t been told that he just invited Iran to slaughter any surrounding US POWs.

Since super-Christian Pete has decided that’s ok to do now.

THE CNN TAKEOVER COMMENT

But the moment that really gave the game away came when Hegseth attacked CNN. Apparently, CNN’s coverage of dead Iranian children was also “unflattering.” Hegseth got all worked up, relished the thought of a Trump-friendly owner ravaging that uppity news channel, and blurted:

“The sooner David Ellison takes over that network, the better.”

Again, may I translate?

The Secretary of Defense publicly praised a billionaire - allied with the billionaire president - taking over a major news network so it will be more favorable to the administration.

That’s not something democratic governments say out loud. That’s also not something smart dictators say out loud.

I mean, normally when governments pressure media owners, they at least pretend not to. Petulant Pete just said the quiet part through a megaphone.

Oh, and did I mention he comes from FOX?

It’s like fascism with extremely squeaky training wheels.

---

The War That’s About To Get Much Bigger

And while Trump claims the war is almost over, the Pentagon is now deploying a Marine Expeditionary Unit to the Middle East. That’s about 2,500 Marines, plus warships and an Amphibious Ready Group.

You know what an Amphibious Ready Group is designed for? Boots on the ground.

Which means the war they said would be a quick air campaign is about to become the one thing every military planner dreads: a ground war in Iran. A country of 90 million people; with mountains, militias, and decades of preparation for exactly this scenario.

You don’t send Marines there unless you’re preparing for something much bigger than bombing runs. And you really don’t send Marines there right after announcing America doesn’t believe in Rules of Engagement for prisoners anymore.

But do keep in mind, this is the same administration that never thought Iran might close the Strait of Hormuz.

It’s like all strategic planning is being done on a whiteboard at the Mar-a-Lago omelet station.

---

THE WAR IS MAKING PUTIN RICH

And here’s a final detail to keep you up at night.

This war is also making Vladimir Putin richer. Oil prices have surged and Russia is reportedly earning up to $150 million more per day because of the global energy shock.

So while American troops are dying, and global markets are panicking, the biggest financial winner is the one man on Earth Donald Trump will never criticize.

Even better, Trump just cut sanctions imposed by Biden after Russia broke a treaty and savagely invaded our ally Ukraine. The U.S. Treasury issued a license allowing countries to keep buying certain Russian crude shipments.

So the same war that’s destabilizing the Middle East is also boosting Russia’s oil profits.

Kinda makes you wonder who might want a war that could simultaneously:

• destabilize global shipping
• risk a regional ground war
• drive up US gas prices
• and fund Vladimir Putin’s war chest

But who on Earth could get Donald Trump to do something crazy like that?

---

The Pentagon’s “Influencer” Era

Average gas prices in the US were up to $3.63 a gallon by week’s end, with oil at $100 a barrel. Global markets are panicking, Americans are terrified, and US troops are dying.

And the Secretary of Defense is banning photographers because he doesn’t look butch enough; then yelling about media takeovers because you journalists ask too many questions.

There is no clear strategy; we have no clear objective, there’s no clear exit.

Just an illegal war, managed by a drunk who used to tease commercial breaks on Fox & Friends Weekend.

“All cruelty springs from weakness.” -Seneca

.