From 'Drain the Swamp' to 'Hide the Client List'

The Epstein list was supposed to be their Watergate; instead, it’s their Fyre Festival.

Well, folks, MAGA’s Super Bowl just got canceled.

The Trump Department of Justice has finally released a memo confirming that Jeffrey Epstein had no “client list,” blackmailed no one, and died by suicide.

You heard right. After years of shouting “Epstein didn’t kill himself!” like it was a secret handshake for men who think covid vaccines make you transgender, MAGA world has been told — by their own government — to put the tinfoil back in the drawer.

Alina Haba told Piers Morgan back in February:

”We have flight logs, we have information; names, that will come out…and I really believe that with Kash & Pam there will be accountability.”

But according to this new memo, Epstein ran a massive global child sex trafficking ring purely for the fun of it. No rich or powerful people were involved. No blackmail. No dirt. No leverage. Just Epstein and Ghislaine Maxwell, the Bonnie and Clyde of Sex Crimes, working all alone, fully isolated, like two lonely pedophile forest gnomes trafficking underage girls off the grid and never jotting down a single name.

It’s impressive, really. You’d think someone who kept a private island and had so much to lose would keep receipts.

But now we’re being told the receipts were all in our imagination. That the “client list” was a myth. A QAnon bedtime story for the post-truth era. “The Little Black Book That Cried Wolf.”

This was MAGA’s moon landing—and they blew up the launch pad

Now our friends in MAGA world are losing it. Because this was their final fantasy: The Epstein list would be the smoking gun. The Great Reveal.

The was to be karmic hammer that would finally expose all the libs, elites, and Hollywood lizard-people in one glorious pornographic PowerPoint.

They thought the list would be Hunter Biden’s laptop, but with even more dick pics they could share all over social media.

They were promised Hollywood elites, Democrat donors, Obama himself.

Instead, they got Prince Andrew—again—and a note that basically said, “Please stop calling.”

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Meanwhile, Trump — a man who literally partied with Epstein, called him a “terrific guy,” and said he liked women “on the younger side” — is out here pretending to be shocked that people might want to know any further info.

Trump’s listed on flight logs. Named in depositions. "Doe 174" in legal records. A girl was allegedly trafficked out of Mar-a-Lago.

And now, suddenly, the new narrative is:

“There never was a list. And also, shut up.”

So on Wednesday Trump held another televised Cabinet meeting and didn’t seem to think anyone would ask about this. He spent most the time avoiding questions about NOAA cuts to debate gold trim versus gold leaf in the cabinet room. Like he’s redesigning a Cheesecake Factory.

But then a reporter dared to bring up Epstein—which apparently triggered Trump like a wife asking a follow-up question.

Before Attorney General Pam Bondi could even get her pre-memorized talking points out, Trump cut her off and berated the journalist, saying “Why are you wasting time on that creep?” He called the question a “desecration” and asserted that nobody cared about that guy, Epstein, or whatever his name was.

A desecration? Sir, it’s not the question that’s desecrating America—it’s your presence in a Cabinet Room that now smells like sulfur and decomposing NDAs.

“Why are you wasting time on that creep?” Because he used to hang out with you. A lot. Imagine Eichmann in Nuremberg complaining “Why are we still talking about that long-dead fuhrer?”

The whole press conference was like The Apprentice: Pederast Coverup Edition. And if we’ve learned anything, it’s this: There are no adults left. Only hubris, paranoia, and Trump screaming “windmills cause cancer” while plotting to paint the Cabinet Room like Liberace’s bathroom.

Department of “Just Kidding”

Imagine the dilemma of our MAGA friends: Trump promised them he’d release the names; not unlike those times he promised to release his taxes.

And none of them can understand why Trump, famously on tape partying with Epstein, wouldn’t want everyone to know who Epstein partied with.

“But Trump said he’d release the Epstein list!” Oh, tragic little quisling. Trump is the Epstein list.

And it turns out when you investigate a sex trafficker’s friends, the guy who throws Miss Teen USA pageants starts to sweat.

“But but - Pam Bondi sold this like it was QVC! She promised thousands of pages and ‘justice for 254 victims.’”

I know, MAGA. Your Great Redpill reveal turned out to be a placebo. It’s painful. You’re like one of Trump’s wives, staring at photos of him with a hooker, and wondering who to blame for this.

Now the MAGA knives are out. Because the Deep State is real. And apparently, it's being run by Dan Bongino and Kash Patel.

Yes, the same two conspiracy-promoting meatheads who used to make viral videos about Epstein being murdered by Hillary Clinton’s ghost and George Soros’s laser shark are now running the FBI and telling us all to chill out because the prison footage is fine, Epstein acted alone, and the all that evil we told you about was actually just an overhyped spreadsheet.

Pam Bondi has gone From Fox News hero to Alex Jones villain in 48 hours

But the real scapegoat may yet prove to be Pam Bondi, Florida’s premier Bribe-Me Barbie and Trump’s personal legal wet wipe.

Back in February, she went on Fox News, hair fully lacquered to the truth-resistant setting, and told America:

“The Epstein client list is sitting on my desk right now to review.”

Oh really, Pam? And what happened to that little desk trinket you described as a list? Did it fall behind your blue lives Matter paperweight? Did you lend it to Rudy Giuliani to wipe his head with?

Because now, suddenly — the list never existed.

Remember when the White House released the “first phase” of 200 pages of Epstein files a few months back? They trotted out various Libs of Tik Tok influencers to hold up oversized smoking-gun “Epstein binders” filled with shocking revelations that had already been released to the public?

The right wing influencers thought they were holding up props, when in reality, they were the props. Do you think they feel like suckers tonight?

The same woman they once wanted on the Supreme Court is now being called “a liar,” “a plant,” and “in on it.” Hell hath no fury like a MAGA influencer scorned.

Jack Posobiec—aka Tucker’s evil funhouse mirror—goes on Bannon’s podcast to say Pam Bondi sounds just like Hillary Clinton.

Elon Musk tweeted “Bannon is in the Epstein files;” because for some, impulse control is woke.

Cernovich says this is now part of Trump’s legacy. Laura Loomer wants Bondi fired. Tim Pool is accusing AG Bondi of hoarding child porn (Jesus Christ, Tim). It’s a multi-vehicle denial pileup of racist clown cars.

Oh, the fascists don't like it when fascists protect fascists.

Meanwhile,Then Alex Jones uploaded a video crying like Kyle Rittenhouse on a NyQuil bender, sobbing, “I’m gonna throw up. I just need the Trump administration to succeed.”

Buddy, you’ve been telling us for years that Epstein’s dungeon was under a Pizza Hut inside a FEMA camp. And now you're surprised the Trump team might be full of liars? What part of “Pam Bondi was literally hired to protect Trump’s large pockmarked ass” didn’t you understand?

Even Kevin Sorbo is confused—and that man starred in “God’s Not Dead 3”

When the star of Hercules: The Dumb Years is asking “Is she lying or just incompetent?” It’s safe to say the Bondi PR arc has officially jumped the shark.

And AG Bondi? She’s nowhere to be found. No follow-up interview. No explanation. Not even a “Sorry I Lied About a Global Sex Trafficking Conspiracy” emoji. Pam vanished harder than Rudy's spray on hair in August.

The woman who said the “client list” was “on her desk” has now Mar-a-Ghosted MAGA.

Why it’s almost like Bondi, Patel, and Bongino were put there to bury the Epstein files. Maybe, the “Deep State” were the friends MAGA made along the way.

This is less “EpsteinGate,” MAGA, and more like the Theranos of scandals: all hype, no data, and a bunch of grifters still trying to sell you some very dubious stock.

TRUMP & EPSTEIN: THE PREDATOR'S BALL

Look, if Epstein was any closer to Trump, he’d be a massage table at Mar-a-Lago. Remember when Trump said, “I wish Ghislaine Maxwell well”? That wasn’t a dog whistle. That was a foghorn from the Lolita Express.

But Trump's base believed they could expose the elite pedophile ring by electing an adjudicated rapist who owned a modeling agency, partied with Epstein, and was accused of rape by a 13-year-old. That’s not draining the swamp. That’s offering it a timeshare.

Democrats, led by ranking member Rep. Jamie Raskin, wrote to Attorney General Pam Bondi and demanded that the Department of Justice stop protecting Trump.

“Earlier last month, Elon Musk, the former senior advisor to President Trump and head of the Department of Government Efficiency, posted on his social media website, X, that President Trump “is in the Epstein files. That is the real reason they have not been made public.” His tweet, which has since been deleted, was clearly referring to records related to the investigation of Jeffrey Epstein, the convicted sex offender, in the possession of the FBI and DOJ.

At his confirmation hearing, Director Patel vowed to release the Epstein files, stating that he would “make sure the American public knows the full weight of what happened.”

Which is all true. But at this point, if one Democrat were to publicly say ‘Hey whatever happened to the 13-year-old girl Trump and Epstein allegedly raped?’ it would dominate a news cycle.

And that’s not about stooping to their level. It’s about not letting them bury the bodies while you organize your next press release. If Dems won’t fight on this, they won’t fight on anything. And Trump knows it.

MAGAs, Trump was never going to expose Epstein. That would be like Colonel Sanders opening an animal rights hotline.

See, The Epstein list isn’t a myth. It’s a threat. To every man in every photo, every name in that flight log, and every donor at Mar-a-Lago who’s praying no one finds their private island.

But let’s be clear: this isn’t just a collapse of a conspiracy theory.This is a collapse of accountability.Because someone — or many someones — benefited from Epstein’s empire of abuse.

And Trump’s DOJ, now stacked with sycophants, has zero incentive to dig deeper.

They’re not investigating. They’re erasing. And they’re hoping no one remembers what they promised when the pitchforks were pointed elsewhere.

So here's the final memo:

There was a list.There were names.There is a cover-up, in progress. And now, the very people who once screamed the loudest for “justice” are the ones slamming the door shut.

No client list. No charges. No closure. Just a crumpled paper in Pam Bondi’s office and a giant MAGA-shaped rug to sweep it all under. And MAGA, ever full of rage, all of it still deliberately misdirected.

If the evidence proved that both Bill Clinton and Donald Trump abused underage girls on Epstein Island, the Democrats would reject Bill Clinton.

MAGA would reject the evidence.

This whole spectacle proves one thing: Trump fans aren’t mad because they were lied to. They’re mad because they didn’t get the lie they wanted.