Trump's distracting week of weak distraction

The week Trump's distractions went from “breaking news” to “scheduled programming.”

The cover-up is worse than the crime.

Our MAGA friends are melting down over the Epstein files, and Trump’s refusal to release them.

They’re burning red hats like bras in the ‘60s. Alex Jones is weeping in his car.  Right Wing hack comedians are apologizing. Marjorie Taylor Greene is foaming at the mouth.  

Actually, that last part’s totally normal.

But Trump is now being dragged, by his own fans, for breaking the promise that helped birth QAnon.  After dodging 91 indictments, two impeachments, a civil rape verdict, a confession of sexual assault on tape and a criminal fraud conviction — the cult has begun to blink.

Oh, they’re blaming Pam Bondi; but for some, the Kool Aid may no longer be strong enough. Trump’s finally found a conspiracy theory that turned on him.  And he can’t tell the truth, so how’s the poor guy supposed to distract?

By desperately creating new clickbait spectacles, like a bad magician throwing glitter at a house fire.

Here are this week’s top 3 attempts to stuff the Epstein files back into Pandora’s box:

1. Deporting Rosie

You’d think he’d have something newer than his Greatest Hits, but the week began with the President of the United States threatening to revoke a comedian’s citizenship because she said mean things about him on Tik Tok. 

That’s it. That’s the crime. Rosie mocked him.  From Ireland, where she lives now.  

Of course, this isn’t about Rosie. This is about Trump testing how far he can go to punish dissent   And how stupid he’s willing to look while he’s doing it.

Rosie clapped back with more class and clarity than the entire White House comms team. She said, “You want to revoke my citizenship? Go ahead and try, King Joffrey with a tangerine spray tan.”

Trump’s trying to pretend he can cancel US citizenship like it’s somebody’s Netflix account. This is what fascism looks like when it shoplifts at Walmart.

Alas, the government saying “let’s deport the lady who used to host Nickelodeon Kids’ Choice Awards,” didn’t distract the world from the Epstein files, which led to another mini-reality show for the criminally insecure.

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2. Firing Jerome Powell

Wednesday brought reports of Trump waving around a letter firing Jerome Powell — in a room full of House Republicans — like he’s showing off his macaroni art from camp.

It was a draft letter, like he’s about to vote someone off the island.  Except in this case, he’s trying to fire the chair of the most powerful central bank on Earth.

Trump had spent weeks huffing, puffing, and threatening to blow Powell’s house down.  Trump appointed Powell in 2017, mind you, but now he wants him gone.

Trump’s reasoning?  Powell won’t lower interest rates. “He’s costing us a lot of money.”

Put aside the fact that Trump keeps boasting of how well his economy is running; which is exactly when you generally don’t cut interest rates.  It’s like trying to fire your Uber driver because they won’t let you take the wheel.

The reality at play is that Fed Chair Powell won’t cut interest rates to hide the fact that Trump’s tariffs really are driving up prices.

The Consumer Price Index report, out this week, backs it up.  The Biden days of the post-Covid inflation rate slowly grinding down are over, and American grocery prices are beginning to reflect the change.

“Should I fire him? Should I?” like he’s a divorced dad discussing his fantasy football league.

Now keep in mind that Powell’s not just one guy running the entire Federal Reserve; the full board would have to approve any cut in interest rates, regardless of who’s Chairman.  .

And let’s not forget: Trump can’t even legally fire the Fed chair without cause.  

And if Trump were to fire Powell, investors would lose confidence in the Fed’s ability to make independent decisions, U.S. assets would be dumped, and the bond market would catch on fire as the dollar plunged globally.  If you care about those sorts of things.

Powell’s crime is not setting the economy on fire to juice Trump’s numbers.  

A few hours later, after weeks of tantrums, tweets, and threats, Trump finally said late Wednesday that he wouldn’t be firing the Fed Chair “at this time.”

Then he added, “I was surprised Biden appointed him.”

This is the same guy who literally appointed Powell, now acting like Biden broke into the White House in 2018 and did it with a Sharpie.   The media yawned.

At this point, Trump threatening to fire Powell is like a toddler threatening to fire Santa Claus. 

But Trump had a flashier - and far stupider - distraction, waiting in the wings…

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3. The Coca-Cola Cane Sugar Con

So when you’ve flaccidly threatened to deport a comedian who’s already left the country, threatened to fire a Fed Chair you can’t actually fire, and you’re still getting dragged for  not releasing the Epstein files, what can an increasingly jittery guy do?

Trump tried to throw a carbonated syrupy distraction in MAGA’s face.  They cried for accountability; but they got a press release from Willy Wonka:

     “I have been speaking to Coca-Cola about using REAL Cane Sugar in Coke in the US, and they have agreed to do so. I’d like to thank all of those in authority at Coca-Cola. This will be a very good move by them - You’ll see. It’s just better!”

Got that?   Forget about the billionaire pedophile ring I swore to expose — I just fixed Diet Coke.

MAGA wanted justice, they got corn syrup reform. 

Now, I’ll be the first one to slam high fructose corn syrup.  It’s the one of the things Texas actually needs to secede from.  But the only folks who still believe Trump (or RFK Jr) on health reform are folks who still don’t know how lobbyists work.  

Especially the lobbyists who own Chuck Grassley.

Corn Refiners Assn President & CEO John Bode: “Replacing high fructose corn syrup with cane sugar would cost thousands of American food manufacturing jobs, depress farm income, and boost imports of foreign sugar, all with no nutritional benefit.”

See, real sugar is more expensive than cheap corn, and we mostly import it from Mexico, Brazil, Guatemala & the DR.   Just 2 days earlier, this same administration had slapped tariffs on sugar imports. 

So Trump is blocking sugar — then demanding companies switch to cane sugar — which we just made more expensive.

Not to mention all the plants that would need to be refitted to accommodate such vast change, which would cost the private sector hundreds of millions.

And the best part? 

Coke essentially pronounced it a lie.  Atlanta Journal-Constitution: “A Coca-Cola spokesperson said the company appreciates ‘Trump’s enthusiasm’ for its brand but did not go as far as confirming such a move.”

Trump made up a deal with Coke, like a kid claiming his dad works at Nintendo.

If Joe Biden had claimed a major business deal with an iconic US brand that was revealed to be completely false, Jake Tapper would’ve written 2 books by now.

Trump does it and the media’s like “Oh, that’s just Trump trying to distract from covering up child rape.”

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By week’s end, Trump had sued Rupert Murdoch and the WSJ for reporting on the story he doesn’t want us talking about, thereby wearing extra-large clown shoes into a room full of rakes.

This administration really is the world’s worst magician—

Rosie’s losing citizenship - look!

Firing Powell - look!

I’m putting sugar in coke - look!

But here’s the truth: 

Trump said he’d expose the Epstein ring.  He partied with Epstein.  He praised Epstein.  He wished Ghislaine Maxwell well.  Right wing media has spent 9 years pumping the words “Pedo” and “Groomer” into America’s daily discourse; Trump rode the wave of outrage to historically dangerous power and corruption.

 And now he’s telling his army that the real enemy is… high fructose corn syrup?

The best part - for fans of both morality and comedy - is that the more Trump yells “DON’T LOOK AT THIS,” the more people want to look. 

He couldn’t just let the conspiracy theories fizzle out — no, he had to throw gasoline on them, then scream at the fire for not being loyal.

He’s proving to our MAGA friends that he’s more afraid of Epstein's files than Epstein’s crimes; which makes him look less like a leader and more like an accessory.

Somewhere in Hell, Jeffrey Epstein is looking up at Trump and laughing.

But he looks forward to laughing in his face.